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A cheerless welcome to San Francisco.

June 16th, 2010 by
A cheerless welcome to San Francisco.

"Two of them cheerlessly welcomed the third to San Francisco, and then they ate their burritos in silence. Salesmen with their binders, binders filled with sadness."

We love Sexpigeon.org so, so much.

This is what he does: to a happenstance photo, some text is added to guide the reader. That's it. And this particular it is amazing.

He does this sort of thing constantly and consistently and we love him for doing so. Love.

(Can anyone figure out which burrito place this is? I don't recognize those chairs.)

Big Daddy Drew Magary expounds on why European train stations invite American violence and other truths.

June 15th, 2010 by
Gare du Nord station in Paris.

"Leaving Paris from Gare du Nord (this station can be seen briefly in the Bourne Identity & Bourne Supremacy)." via Flickr user dbray46.

"Big Daddy Drew" Magary dispenses some of the best advice in the world.

His gleefully profane, unerringly right-on-target words of wisdom entertain mightily even as they may possibly "advise." He's right up there in the advice-giving pantheon of greats with Susanna Williams and Fat Wreck Chords' Floyd.

In addition to his monstrously funny NFL writing at Kissing Suzy Kolber, Magary hosts a Reader Mail Funbag over on Deadspin that runs on Tuesday and Thursday. This is where the advising happens. Recurring topics include beer, acceptable courses of action, and poop.

Quite a few of these Funbag letters and their retorts have concerned the heroic scenarios that run through the minds of men at any given time. From last Thursday's Deadspin Funbag, this is one of those letters:

JDB:

Just came back from a trip to the UK and the EU. Each time I presented my passport, or hopped on a train, or walked into a new restaurant, I was acting out scenes from the Bourne movies, sizing up the room and potential threats. Even though I can't speak another language and wouldn't last three seconds in a Paul Greengrass-style fight, I WAS Jason Bourne every day of my three-week trip. I am the best spy in the world.

Drew Magary:

The European train stations get me every time. They're all so big and elegant looking. You just want to take a hostage and start shooting everyone in your path.

Matt Damon as Jason Bourne doing something spy-esque near a train.

Matt Damon as Jason Bourne doing something spy-ish near a train. You see how this happens?

The passport is also a nice touch, because everyone's passport photo looks like a mug shot taken at 4AM. Then they give you those stamps and it's like the path of a known fugitive. LOOK! HE'S BEEN TO INSTANBUL! IS THAT WHERE HE MET THE RUSSIANS?

When I am disgustingly rich (I have many plans for when I am rich), I will purchase dozens of fake passports and ID's and convert thousands of dollars into various foreign currencies. Then, I will buy a safety deposit box in a bank. Then I will place the passports and ID's and money and a gun in the box and leave it there. Then, when I die, I will leave my son the key to that box. Then he will open it up and be fucking DAZZLED. Dad was goddamn BADASS.

Yes. Yes!

I love all of this so much, but I love that final paragraph's idea so so much that the first time I read it, I laughed 'til there were tears. Tears of joy.

Thank you, Drew. Thank you.

(Photo of Gare du Nord via Flickr user dbray46. Photo of Matt Damon via guardian.co.uk.)

"Sometimes / late at night / it just hits me. / This is my life / and I can do whatever I want."

June 13th, 2010 by

Sometimes / late at night / it just hits me. / This is my life / and I can do whatever I want.

(Picture via allmylovingg.xanga.com.)

run

June 7th, 2010 by

run

Not usually a good sign.

I'd hope that Matt Fraction made it.

(Via Fraction's Twitter.)

"We're all just haunted beef, really."

June 6th, 2010 by

Haunted beef.

Steve Aylett, writing as Jeff Lint: "We’re all just haunted beef, really."

Via Uncle Internet Jesus Warren Ellis.

(Image via top-10-list.org.)

The MIT Science Fiction Society's official review of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight

June 2nd, 2010 by

MIT's official review of Twilight.

Yes. Most proper.

(Photo via bibliogrrl via The High Definite via Reddit via MITSFS.)

A Softer World #560: Dig!

May 27th, 2010 by

A Softer World # 560

A Softer World is sometimes brutal and sometimes brutally heartfelt. Sometimes agonizingly funny and sometimes dealing an unexpected blow. Whatever tact they're after on any particular day, no one does what they do quite the way they do it. Thoroughly recommended.

Small Wars

May 26th, 2010 by

 Small wars, fought by individuals over foolish stakes. This war: about miniature lockets, their value or otherwise.

"Small wars, fought by individuals over foolish stakes. This war: about miniature lockets, their value or otherwise."

Oh, sexpigeon; you're the best.

Celebrate Towel Day with a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

May 25th, 2010 by
 A earth analog of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

A possible Earth analog for a PGGB.

Towel Day commemorates the work and wisdom of Douglas Adams, author/catalyst of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and other wonderful things.

Now, in celebration of Towel Day, let's take a look at one of Adams' finest achievements. Along with discovering the answer to the ultimate question of life and by all accounts being a right-nice human being, Adams created what is now know to be the greatest drink of all time: the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colorless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

It says that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

The Guide also tells you on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one and what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards.

The Guide even tells you how you can mix one yourself.

Take the juice from one bottle of the Ol' Janx Spirit, it says.

Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V -- Oh that Santraginean seawater, it says. Oh, those Santraginean fish!

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.

Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hyper-mint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet and mystic.

Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.

Sprinkle Zamphour.

Add an olive.

Drink... but... very carefully.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than the Encyclopedia Galactica.

I already know what you're going ask. In a user-sourced interview with slashdot.org, Adams regretfully had this to say:

The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
by phossie

What is the origin of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, and how would you make one on Earth?

I need to know.

[Douglas Adams]: Unfortunately there are a number of environmental and weapons treaties and laws of physics which prevent one being mixed on Earth. Sorry.

Perhaps needless to say, that hasn't stopped earthlings from doing their best to recreate a PGGB here on Earth, whether by movie --

-- or by beverage. There is a particular grouping of possible PGGB recipes to be found at Wikibooks. Should you attempt any of these recipes, The Never Company cannot be held responsible for your rehabilitation.

DON'T PANIC.To further your towel-related joy, here are links to Flickr tags and YouTube videos via boingboing.

Remember, enjoy a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster with as much care as possible. Know where your towel is, and good luck.

(Earth analog PGGB photo via nerdcore.de.)

Do You Know What Today Is? It's a Fuck You Friday.

May 21st, 2010 by

It's a Fuck You Friday.Do you know what today is?

It's a Fuck You Friday.

That's right, a Fuck You Friday. Every Friday is.

This is inspired by Achewood, the incredible work of Chris Onstad. Achewood is a comic, and a series of blogs, and in fact, a series of fictions involving most formats that involve printed matter -- including cookbooks, zines, and paintings.

Onstad's immensely moving/horrific/sad/hilarious series is one my favorites, and one of my inspirations. There is nothing that better captures the spoken cadences of Northern California better than Achewood. It is a difficult canon to explain yet marvelously easy to recommend. Start at the beginning and just keep reading 'til the characters start finding their respective voices... then by that point, you're hooked.

We honor Onstad, and we honor Fuck You Friday. In the words of Ray Smuckles, "[T]ake old Fuck You out for a spin today. You'll be glad you did! Take care, and... fuck you!"

Here, now, is the original Achewood that began this-all. From 2005/01/07, this is the original Fuck You Friday:

The first Fuck You Friday, from Achewood.com.