"Leaving Paris from Gare du Nord (this station can be seen briefly in the Bourne Identity & Bourne Supremacy)." via Flickr user dbray46.
"Big Daddy Drew" Magary dispenses some of the best advice in the world.
His gleefully profane, unerringly right-on-target words of wisdom entertain mightily even as they may possibly "advise." He's right up there in the advice-giving pantheon of greats with Susanna Williams and Fat Wreck Chords' Floyd.
In addition to his monstrously funny NFL writing at Kissing Suzy Kolber, Magary hosts a Reader Mail Funbag over on Deadspin that runs on Tuesday and Thursday. This is where the advising happens. Recurring topics include beer, acceptable courses of action, and poop.
Quite a few of these Funbag letters and their retorts have concerned the heroic scenarios that run through the minds of men at any given time. From last Thursday's Deadspin Funbag, this is one of those letters:
Just came back from a trip to the UK and the EU. Each time I presented my passport, or hopped on a train, or walked into a new restaurant, I was acting out scenes from the Bourne movies, sizing up the room and potential threats. Even though I can't speak another language and wouldn't last three seconds in a Paul Greengrass-style fight, I WAS Jason Bourne every day of my three-week trip. I am the best spy in the world.
The European train stations get me every time. They're all so big and elegant looking. You just want to take a hostage and start shooting everyone in your path.
Matt Damon as Jason Bourne doing something spy-ish near a train. You see how this happens?
The passport is also a nice touch, because everyone's passport photo looks like a mug shot taken at 4AM. Then they give you those stamps and it's like the path of a known fugitive. LOOK! HE'S BEEN TO INSTANBUL! IS THAT WHERE HE MET THE RUSSIANS?
When I am disgustingly rich (I have many plans for when I am rich), I will purchase dozens of fake passports and ID's and convert thousands of dollars into various foreign currencies. Then, I will buy a safety deposit box in a bank. Then I will place the passports and ID's and money and a gun in the box and leave it there. Then, when I die, I will leave my son the key to that box. Then he will open it up and be fucking DAZZLED. Dad was goddamn BADASS.
I love all of this so much, but I love that final paragraph's idea so so much that the first time I read it, I laughed 'til there were tears. Tears of joy.
Thank you, Drew. Thank you.
(Photo of Gare du Nord via Flickr user dbray46. Photo of Matt Damon via guardian.co.uk.)